When In Doubt, Sell Your Shit [Funemployment]

Sometime between 3AM and 4AM I had an epiphany. A little voice in my head whispered, "just sell your seed." This was confusing for two reasons; 1. I was certain that last round of primal scream therapy had exorcised the voice's; and 2. I had no idea what he meant. I just sort of shrugged to myself and went about staring at the wall.

"No, you idiot. Your sperm."

This was bittersweet. Although my confusion had indeed been relieved, my ears were now bleeding. I furiously navigated to the most legitimate looking sperm bank website I could find. I've learned, I mean heard, that quality of service is proportional to the number of minorities represented on their website.

Jackpot

I was balls deep in to the process (pun intended), when I was turned down quicker than Benjamin Button at his Senior Prom.

"Hi, I'm fourteen. Wanna dance?"

The very first requirement was a height minimum. Specifically, not elfishly small. Slightly defeated, I made my way home from the office (stand, rotate, take 3 steps). I was hoping to get in a couple episodes of Bridezillas, but that didn't go well. My little friend was back.

"Well?"
"Fuck you, voice. That was horrible advice."
"Hey man, don't kill the messenger."
"Look, just leave me alone."
"No one wanted your stuff?"
"What? Stuff? You said 'seed'. 'Sell your seeeeed'"
"No, tard. I said STUFF. Sell your stuff. Who the hell would want more of us running around?"

At that point, consumed by anger, I slammed my head into the oven door to teach that bastard a lesson. While I was cleaning up the blood, I really ruminated on what he said. Craigslist is definitely worth a shot.

At about 5AM this morning I posted an ad for an old LCD Display I had lying around. Within hours, a strange British man was in my house, paying me for goods, not services!! What a relief.

I'm going to consider today a success. I'm $50 richer and only have a mild concussion.