Who Is Kelly Voigt & Why Is She Ruining My Doritos? [Rants]

This morning I was making my usual breakfast of a tall mug of coffee and half a bag of Doritos when I was rudely interrupted by Kelly Voigt. Yeah, I don't know who the fuck she is either, but she's on my bag of chips for some reason.

This isn't some god damned carton of milk people, it's Doritos. They're supposed to be classier than this.

See.

Ok, "Kelly Voigt", I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you did do something great. Maybe you took out a school of terrorist infants, single-handedly saving us from another 9/11 (too soon?). Maybe she saved a school of terrorist infants from utter destruction, which is novel in its own way, I guess. Hell, if that's the case, a small picture on a bag of chips is kind of a slap in the face.

The copy reads:

Some people dedicate their time to children in need; others reach out to help animals. Fifteen-year-old Kelly Voigt was attacked by a dog and had to get 100 stitches on her face and neck. One year later, she was still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Now, with the help of a trained golden retriever named Casey, Kelly teaches kids how to safely intetact with dogs and how to be responsible pet owners.

Wait, what? That's your contribution to society? Getting mauled by a dog and teaching kids proper pooper scooper etiquette? I think the real hero in this story is Casey the dog.

Much better. Cuter too.