More Like Drunky LaBeouf [Slow News Day]

Ruminate on this for a minute.

This is LaBeouf walking home from a liquor store, walking, because his license is suspended. Douche. He clearly isn't buying booze, unless Arizona Tea makes schnapps now. There really couldn't be a better way to divert attention away from your face. Bravo, Shia.

You may also notice the plastic bag wrapped around his hand. This is either to protect his injured lady-slapper or to stave off the compulsive masturbation. I have it on good authority (read:mine) that he can't stop. Stay strong!!

[via The Superficial]

The Cat's Got It Better Than Me [Funemployment]

After the Bonnie Hunt show today, I started getting kind of antsy. I stepped out on the balcony and spotted my cat having the time of his life. It's cold and rainy out, I don't have a job, and Bonnie Hunt won't be back on until tomorrow at noon! But Mark (that's his Hebrew name), is livin' it up.

"Why are you doing this?"

Aside from having my entire apartment to scratch to hell, he also has a Condo. CONDO! It looks more comfortable than my bed. Did I mention it's filled with catnip? That would be like living inside a cocaine laced Snuggie.

Relatively speaking, I'm pretty sure Mark has more room in his condo than I do in my apartment.

Are you kidding me?! I have to take a good 10 steps to take a shit, Mark just has to roll over. It really couldn't get any worse.

I recant that last statement. I'm not so much angry at Mark, just jealous. On the plus side, he doesn't have thumbs.

He Does WHAT?! [Idiocy in the Media]

I wish I had something to say that could top this.

Beeriversary

Today marks two momentus events; 1. It's the first morning in weeks I didn't wake up to myself screaming, and 2. It's the 50th anniversary of the aluminum can, brought to us by the Adolph Coors Co. I wish I was making that up. Check it out for yourself. The man responsible for countless cases of domestic abuse and uninvited bowel movements is this man.

He was so wasted in this picture.

That's Bill Coors, and he's my hero. The can was developed under the strictest of security. Imagine Guantanamo Bay, but with more nudity and beer.

"Um, guys? I can't really get this can to my mouth. Little help?"

From the article:

That can ultimately spelled the demise of the tin beverage can developed in the mid-1800s. Industry officials say the development of the Coors aluminum can forever changed the way people drink beer and other beverages.

Tin can?! Was there even a pull tab? Imagine being one beer away from temporary happiness and you can't even open the damn thing.

"Honey, where's the can opener?"

"Why?"

"Just give it to me, it'll be good for everyone."

Although, the upside is that once you're drunk and have an abundance of cans lying around, things start to get fun.

[Via RockyMountainNews]

When In Doubt, Sell Your Shit [Funemployment]

Sometime between 3AM and 4AM I had an epiphany. A little voice in my head whispered, "just sell your seed." This was confusing for two reasons; 1. I was certain that last round of primal scream therapy had exorcised the voice's; and 2. I had no idea what he meant. I just sort of shrugged to myself and went about staring at the wall.

"No, you idiot. Your sperm."

This was bittersweet. Although my confusion had indeed been relieved, my ears were now bleeding. I furiously navigated to the most legitimate looking sperm bank website I could find. I've learned, I mean heard, that quality of service is proportional to the number of minorities represented on their website.

Jackpot

I was balls deep in to the process (pun intended), when I was turned down quicker than Benjamin Button at his Senior Prom.

"Hi, I'm fourteen. Wanna dance?"

The very first requirement was a height minimum. Specifically, not elfishly small. Slightly defeated, I made my way home from the office (stand, rotate, take 3 steps). I was hoping to get in a couple episodes of Bridezillas, but that didn't go well. My little friend was back.

"Well?"
"Fuck you, voice. That was horrible advice."
"Hey man, don't kill the messenger."
"Look, just leave me alone."
"No one wanted your stuff?"
"What? Stuff? You said 'seed'. 'Sell your seeeeed'"
"No, tard. I said STUFF. Sell your stuff. Who the hell would want more of us running around?"

At that point, consumed by anger, I slammed my head into the oven door to teach that bastard a lesson. While I was cleaning up the blood, I really ruminated on what he said. Craigslist is definitely worth a shot.

At about 5AM this morning I posted an ad for an old LCD Display I had lying around. Within hours, a strange British man was in my house, paying me for goods, not services!! What a relief.

I'm going to consider today a success. I'm $50 richer and only have a mild concussion.

Inaugurating Funemployment!! [Funemployment]

Could there be a more ideal time to unveil the newest feature here @ SYSL? Short answer: Yes. But I'm bored, it's late, and I figured since Obama did some inaugurating tonight, why can't I?

With great pleasure, tonight I shall christen this new feature:

FUNEMPLOYMENT (patent pending)

Every so often I'll be bringing you new and exciting ways to help those lazy Tuesdays just melt away.

"I didn't approve the use of this picture"

So, welcome to everyone. To all the laid off employees of this fine country, to all those simply too lazy to seek out gainful employment, and most importantly, to my colleagues in the entertainment industry, who know more about Unemployment than Danny Bonaduce.

"Yes, I'd consider myself a self-starter"

OK, I'll admit it, I'm out of work. Yes, it sucks feeling like your talents are being wasted eating sheet cake and watching Home Improvement. Although that Randy Taylor can be quite the cad sometimes. It sucks barely being able to scrape by. I feel like it sucks for me especially. Allow me to explain.

I work in Film/TV. When a show is over, you no longer have a job. More often that not, this leads to long periods of unemployment. To compound the matter, the only real proactive movement is putting your name on an availability list at the Union. It can literally be months between working, and all you can do it sit around and wait for the phone to ring.

"God Dammit, Mom!! I'm expecting a call! Meatloaf sounds great, love you."

SO! What to do in these times? My situation is ideal: though I'm actively looking for work, most of my day is still completely devoid of activity. Which affords me lot's of time to create interesting ways to keep myself occupied.

Good tease, huh?

LOOK FOR WORK
Though the most obvious choice, you'd be surprised how many people actually forget this crucial step. Lately I've been using Craigslist, though it's hard to sift through all the pyramid schemes and trannies.


CLEAN YOUR HOUSE
Guys: If you're unemployed and live in a shit hut, chances are you don't have a female companion. If you do, she's cheating on you. Don't believe me? Check the last text she got, you won't be happy.


STRETCH THINGS OUT
Have to run to the store? Is it walkable? I bet you know where this is going you lazy fuck. Get off your ass and walk down to the store. You'll kill some time, get some air, get some exercise, and the pot at the end of the rainbow is that Lunchable you've been craving so bad.

Hope Has Come to Longs Drugs

This afternoon I was waiting in line at the pharmacy to pick up what some like to call "the cocktail." Perhaps that was too much information. Perhaps I have an empty void in my soul that can only be filled by divulging horribly private information about myself to whomever cares to listen.

Clearly, the kind staff at Longs hadn't gotten the memo about my Universal Fast Pass, valid EVERYWHERE. You haven't lived until you've shoved a homeless man to the ground because the Matzo Ball soup at the local Y is just that good. Begrudgingly, I was forced to wait behind four commoners. An older lady came scurrying up to the front of the line and proclaimed that she was "really late for a dentist appointment" and could she "please cut to the front? I only have one prescription."

"I'm really late for the dentist!"

The line took an impromptu vote, lead by the man with the tattered jeans and Converse All-Stars at the front. The vote was nearly unanimous. The lone hold out being the bitch in front of me. I swear to Allah, if I ever find her...

What really struck me though was what Mr. Trendy Pants said after that: "This is a good day to start doing that." That day, of course, being inauguration day.

That statement really affected me, it was actually quite emotional. Based purely on that one experience, I can whole heatedly say that this country is headed for a prosperous time. People are more hopeful, and consequently, happier.

To sum up: Can anyone hook me up with a Fast Pass?

I'm pretty sure I got scammed.