Shave Much? [Rant]

Shaving B.L.O.W.S. That's not an acronym, it's called emphasis and you'd better get used TO IT!! No one likes shaving, anywhere. Guy, girl, face, legs, back, ears, feet...It's just not a pleasant activity, no matter who is doing it to what.

I just looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that after less than a week of not shaving I've turned in to Ambrose E. Burnside.

You should really buff up on your history.

I've grown mutton chops. And not the sweet black and white kind like Burny up there, I'm growing the equivalent of a mullet on both sides of my head. Normally I'm very well groomed, some say too groomed (let that ruminate in your head a little), but lately (read: since I was 15) I've had no desire to shave.

Unless you shave every day, or you're this guy:

It's always going to be a losing battle.

Disclaimer: I know next to nothing about women so all opinions are based solely on the male experience.

There's definitely a "magic hour" of sorts when it comes to shaving. Not too much hair where as the razor is pulling it out, but not too little or you'll run the risk of deadly razor burn. I'd imagine the same holds true for women. If I knew one I could confirm this theory. This "magic hour" tends to fall around day 3 of not shaving for me.

Day 4 is when I give day 3 a big middle finger in it's prime numbered ass and just keep on cruising by. Well past day 7, and sometimes, just sometimes, I cross the dark side in to double digits. Around day 10 (or, Defcon 1 as Emily likes to call it) I really start to piss off not only myself, but I suspect society as a whole.

Though unbelievably easy to maintain, a full beard sucks slightly more than shaving. It's all itchy and makes my face look like a vagina.

The LHC Of Joints [Rape Alley]

In our second installment of this feature, lovingly dubbed Rape Alley, we examine drug use among the vest-wearing, seemingly homeless population of Culver City. This is my new best friend:

Please ignore the glare. I was giddy with excitement and forgot my photog etiquite.

For the sake of story telling, let's call him Charles. Mainly because he's incredibly classy and reminds me of a prince. His method of ingestion consisted of blowing on the joint, as so, then inhaling what came off. It's definitely the weirdest technique I've ever seen--er, heard of.

That window is approximately 18 inches behind my head, needless to say, it reeks in here. Yes, those are rubber bands around that horse cock of a joint to hold it together.

Charles on his throne, continuing the madness.

I'm not usually one to comment on wardrobe, but, let's take a moment to examine Charles' ensemble. The lynch pin of the whole thing is definitely that vest (pin-striped, mind you), it really ties the outfit together. It's pretty tough to pull off the vest-only look, but good ol' Charles did it. Extra points for accomplishing this feat whilst holding a CVS bag in his non-joint hand and a roll of paper towels tucked under the other arm (seriously).

Charles' posse.

Thank you, sir. You have truly brightened my day.

Button Fly? More Like, Button DIE [Rant]

I'm caught in the middle of a dilemma. I hate, hate, button fly jeans, but my favorite pair just happen to be of this variety.

Who thought to themselves, "Hey, jeans are way too easy to put on, how can I complicate this?" It was probably this guy:

"I shall make the perfect race of jeans."

Most bad things are his fault anyway, might as well add this to the list. Putting on my jeans has gone from a 90 second affair to a 120 second affair, and that is just unacceptable. What? 90 seconds is still way too long to put on jeans? Well that extra 75 seconds accounts for lube time, my jeans are very tight.

Probably shouldn't have picked out this particular pair.

My main concern isn't the actual buttoning of said fly, I've turned that into a drinking game of sorts. Every time I button one I take a shot of Tequila, and since most of my pants have at least 8 buttons (front & back), my drive in to work tends to be entertaining.

The real problem is that the damn thing just does not want to stay buttoned.

Walking from my car to the office? 1 button, popped.
Booting up my computer? 2 buttons, gone.
Breathing at a steady pace? 3 buttons and a mild ulcer.

I would burn these jeans to the ground if they didn't make my ass look so good.

Ninja Monday [Read: Black]

In case you haven't heard yet, the economy basically took a big shit on all of us today.

Kind of like this, but firmer, and the baby is America.

Amidst all this chaos, the human spirit prevailed. Specifically, the part of the human spirit that loves to see animals do cute things. As far as I'm concerned, this is the best thing that happened today.



We clearly can't trust cats anymore. Then this happened, and kind of frightened me.



Who is breeding these super-pets? If somehow this dog met that cat up there, and by some freakish lapse in logic and science, they mated--

I don't even want to think about it. It's like imagining McCain winning, nothing good will come of it.

In other news: I'm still at work. Go team!

Free Tragedy Soup [FAIL]

Personally, when I'm feeling down about the horrible events that happened 7 years ago, nothing cheers me up more than a steaming bowl of corn chowder.

[Picture via Consumerist]

This HAS To Be Some Sort Of Conspiracy [Theories]

Is the McCain camp controlling traffic? Does John McCain own all of these things? I don't know, and I don't care to do any research on the matter. Wild speculation is always more entertaining anyway. Anyone have any theories?

Top Gear [What I'm Watching RIGHT NOW]

Time for a new feature, I thought of it 45 seconds ago. Literally, at this moment, right now, I'm watching Top Gear. Here's proof:

There isn't a car on screen, but that's definitely this guy...


who works with these guys...


Who work on Top Gear, which is British funny, which everyone knows is better than regular funny. They also drive the shit out of awesome cars. It airs on the BBC America...some time. I'm not sure, my tivo takes care of it. If you dont have a tivo, please never come back here.

Who Is Kelly Voigt & Why Is She Ruining My Doritos? [Rants]

This morning I was making my usual breakfast of a tall mug of coffee and half a bag of Doritos when I was rudely interrupted by Kelly Voigt. Yeah, I don't know who the fuck she is either, but she's on my bag of chips for some reason.

This isn't some god damned carton of milk people, it's Doritos. They're supposed to be classier than this.

See.

Ok, "Kelly Voigt", I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you did do something great. Maybe you took out a school of terrorist infants, single-handedly saving us from another 9/11 (too soon?). Maybe she saved a school of terrorist infants from utter destruction, which is novel in its own way, I guess. Hell, if that's the case, a small picture on a bag of chips is kind of a slap in the face.

The copy reads:

Some people dedicate their time to children in need; others reach out to help animals. Fifteen-year-old Kelly Voigt was attacked by a dog and had to get 100 stitches on her face and neck. One year later, she was still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Now, with the help of a trained golden retriever named Casey, Kelly teaches kids how to safely intetact with dogs and how to be responsible pet owners.

Wait, what? That's your contribution to society? Getting mauled by a dog and teaching kids proper pooper scooper etiquette? I think the real hero in this story is Casey the dog.

Much better. Cuter too.

Fuck You, HP [Slow News Day]

Today is such a slow news day, this video is literally the most important thing online right now.

Not Pictured: Before the cat attacks,
the printer shoots out a big picture of a middle finger.

Cats are awesome.

Oh, if you didn't already know, the world hasn't blown up...yet. For real time updates of said apocalypse navigate over yonder.

Despite its infuriatingly long URL, it's well worth it.

The End Is Nigh, Or Not [Impending Apocalypse]

Yesterday I wrote about the Large Hadron Collider (boner joke omitted, too easy). Basically everyone with a smidgen of comprehension about this behemoth of a machine is expecting the world to get sucked into a giant black hole. Except this guy:

Though kind of melodramatic, these fears are somewhat substantiated, seeing as the whole point of the LHC is to create a fucking black hole.

In order to achieve this, 2 single atoms will be fired in opposite directions around a 17 mile loop to collide in one massive, possibly world ending...something. The point is, no one really knows what exactly is going to happen. Scientists are hoping this collision will generate the Higgs Boson particle, sometimes referred to as the "God" particle, presumably for it's resemblance to Jesus.

The Higgs Boson is so elusive it's never been seen, and possibly doesn't even exist.


Except in plush form. I'm sure the actual thing is less cute and more defecation-inducing.

So, let's say this thing actually works and brings the sweet relief horrible possibility of death to our proverbial doorstep. What would it feel like to be sucked through the blackest of holes? Thankfully, Slate has done all that research for me:

The pulling force would increase as you moved toward the center, creating what's called a "tidal force" on your body. That is to say, the gravity acting on your head would be much stronger than the gravity acting on your toes (assuming you were falling head-first). That would make your head accelerate faster than your toes; the difference would stretch your body until it snapped apart, first at its weakest point and then disintegrating rapidly from there as the tidal force became stronger than the chemical bonds holding your body together. You'd be reduced to a bunch of disconnected atoms. Those atoms would be stretched into a line and continue in a processional march. As Tyson described it, you would be "extruded through space like toothpaste being squeezed through a tube." No one knows for certain what happens to those atoms once they reach the center, or "singularity," of a black hole.

You. Tomorrow. Roughly at this time.

Of course none of this really matters though because the smartest man on four wheels has a $100 bet that the damned thing won't even work.

"I think it will be much more exciting if we don't find the Higgs. That will show something is wrong, and we need to think again. I have a bet of $100 that we won't find the Higgs."

Yes, that would be exciting. Tens of millions of dollars and 15 years of work to prove that Stephen Hawking is still fucking smarter than the rest of us.

I just like this picture.

My first concern is that Hawking hangs out with people stupid enough to bet against him, in science. Thats as if Tom Brady bet you $100 he could throw a ball through a tire and then just pelted you in the nuts with it.

So tomorrow, will either be the end of the world or Stephen Hawking will be $100 richer. Win win!

New Shiny Things [Me Wanty]

I'm usually not one to follow, but--

Who am I kidding? I still drink Crystal Pepsi. It's delicious, and clear. Much like water, but more expensive and douchey. But I digress.



This morning, Apple held their annual iPod overhaul, this year dubbed "Let's Rock". Everyone is talking about it, so I'm not even attempting to break any news, other folks are much better at it than I. At this point, it's old news anyway.

I just want to congratulate Apple on continuing to release products which become obsolete by the time I can afford them.

Is This Gay?

I just found this old IM convo from about a year ago. It made me LOL, perhaps you will also.

Mac : haha yeah i saw that
Philippe : yeah its great
Mac : im watching the announcment now [Macworld '08]
Mac : i need ilfe now
Philippe : did you watch the demo?
Philippe : my dad ordered it today
Mac : ilife
Mac : ok
Philippe : calm down
Mac : so this weekend
Mac : i will ave it?
Philippe : hopefully
Mac : lets install it on our computers together
Mac : it will be gay
Philippe : alright
Philippe : then lets whack each other off
Mac : and film it and edit it on the new imovie
Philippe : yeah
Philippe : then post it on our .mac gallery
Mac : hell yeah

Thesaurus? Where We're Going, We Don't Need A Thesaurus

Sometimes, between trapping and neutering feral cats and donating plasma, I get bored. I'm only human. In such circumstances I turn to the one friend who will always be there: Dick Cheyney. We're old friends, long story.

"Hey, Phil-dawg, grab me a PBR wouldya?"

In times of boredom I turn to the following places:

LA Times Daily Crossword

USA Today Daily Crossword
Dictionary.com Daily Crossword
LemonParty (For when I'm feeling really crazy)

It turns out I'm pretty damn good at crossword puzzles. Though I've noticed I get disproportionately worse as the week goes on. This may be due to my equally disproportionate increase in ketamine intake as the week goes on, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the editors save their "A" game for Fridays.

In any case, I rule at crosswords and here's the proof:

Update:

I still rock.

Updated Update:

That makes 3 today, for those of you keeping score.

Further Proof Japan > America

Japan has devised an ingenious way to store the hundreds of thousands of bikes that populate their largest cities. They've built this giant robotic bicycle parking garage, or as I like to call it, the coolest fucking thing ever built. It cost $67M and can house up to 9,400 bikes at a time.

All the technical details are in the video, but it's the stuff they don't mention which gets me thinking.

Japan has clearly mastered all other technology? How else would they have so much time to pump into a glorified bike rack? It's really only a matter of days until those 9,400 bikes transform into a giant harbinger of death and reign terror upon lesser nations.

Tombstone Pizza Vending Machine [Great Moments In Humanity]

Not Pictured: Newborn baby vending machine on the left.

This brings up so many questions:

1. Where is this and why isn't there one next to me right now?
2. Do the pizza's come out in a box?
3. Are they cooked in the machine or refilled manually by a Mexican who hates his life?
4. What if you don't like pepperoni?

Michael Caine Shits The Bed

Michael Caine, in a moment of senility rivaled only by the time Sir Ben Kingsley thought he was working on Goonies and showed up to the set of Gandhi doing his best "truffle shuffle", spilled the beans on the casting of the new Batman villains. From MTVs Splash Page:

“I was with [a Warner Bros.] executive and I said, ‘Are we going to make [a sequel to The Dark Knight]?’ They said yeah. I said, ‘How the hell are we going to top Heath? And he says ‘I’ll tell you how you top Heath — Johnny Depp as The Riddler and Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin.’ I said, ‘Shit, they’ve done it again!’” [Laughs]

If this is true, every nerd within ear shot of this statement just creamed their underoos. I hope to the comic book gods it's true, because that would be fucking awesome. I don't even want to think about this too hard or it won't happen. It would be like that time I wished for x-ray vision and just ended up getting arrested.

Would you like to know the day you'll die?

Ghostbusters 3, Sarah Palin, and The End of Times [Morning Roundup]

Ghostbusters 3, Now Chewier

Today we were given further confirmation that a new Ghostbusters movie is in the works. So for all you people who laughed at me for saving on to my proton pack all of these years, suck it.

Pictured: My proton pack on a child of unknown origin.

From the mouth of Harold Ramis:

“yes, columbia is developing a script for GB3 with my year one writing partners, gene stupnitsky and lee eisenberg. judd apatow is co-producing year one and has made several other films for sony, so of course the studio is hoping to tap into some of the same acting talent."

Let's just hope that Apatow's involvement doesn't turn Slimer into a witty stoner. [via /Film]

Weird Foreigner Bails Out Apple

Apple has been facing some legal issues lately due to the true inventor of the MP3 player. A company called Burst is claiming original patents for the technology. Thankfully, they dug up this woman to help them out of this bind.


"His" name is Kane Kramer and in 1979 he created this device:

After convincing his colleagues that this wasn't actually the device and merely a rendering, he named it the IXI. Presumably to confuse a generation of coked out hippies even more.

The IXI could hold a whopping 3.5 minutes of music, which, though perfect for 1979, would barely hold that remix of "Umbrella" you like so much.

"For his pains, Kramer received a consulting fee from Apple and is now negotiating compensation for a copyright he owns on a patent drawing that looks like most any early MP3 player."

Come on, Apple. At least kick the dude an iPhone or something. [via Valleywag]




Sarah Palin Will Kill Your Bratz Doll

For some ungodly reason, a company called HeroBuilders is selling this sexy, sexy doll of our newest VPILF.

Available for $29.95, and a vile of baby tears. [via Gizmodo]






The World Ends Tomorrow, Plan Accordingly


Tomorrow morning, CERN will fire up the Large Hadron Collider (read: ring of death) for the first time and stream it live, here. Watch if you dare. Hide if you must.

Esquire Unveils Amazing Incredibly Lame E-Ink Cover

I'm as big of a fan of E-Ink as anyone, which is to say, no one. But seriously, Esquire, this is the best you could do? The blinking light was revolutionary when Paul Revere used it, not some homo magazine.

Ironic Apparel

I got this shirt in the mail yesterday.
This shirt wins for the following reasons:
- It's ironic.
- It's true.
- It's slightly pretentious.
- For every shirt purchased a Nigerian child gets his wings.

Clearly, I was expecting tons of praise for my hilarious choice in clothing.

"OMG your shirt!! Let me touch it!"

So far, this is all I've gotten:

Cool face...Rosie

If I don't get some legitimate praise soon I'm gonna set this bitch on fire. I mean Michael, not my shirt or my office...that would be silly.