Free Tragedy Soup [FAIL]

Personally, when I'm feeling down about the horrible events that happened 7 years ago, nothing cheers me up more than a steaming bowl of corn chowder.

[Picture via Consumerist]

This HAS To Be Some Sort Of Conspiracy [Theories]

Is the McCain camp controlling traffic? Does John McCain own all of these things? I don't know, and I don't care to do any research on the matter. Wild speculation is always more entertaining anyway. Anyone have any theories?

Top Gear [What I'm Watching RIGHT NOW]

Time for a new feature, I thought of it 45 seconds ago. Literally, at this moment, right now, I'm watching Top Gear. Here's proof:

There isn't a car on screen, but that's definitely this guy...


who works with these guys...


Who work on Top Gear, which is British funny, which everyone knows is better than regular funny. They also drive the shit out of awesome cars. It airs on the BBC America...some time. I'm not sure, my tivo takes care of it. If you dont have a tivo, please never come back here.

Who Is Kelly Voigt & Why Is She Ruining My Doritos? [Rants]

This morning I was making my usual breakfast of a tall mug of coffee and half a bag of Doritos when I was rudely interrupted by Kelly Voigt. Yeah, I don't know who the fuck she is either, but she's on my bag of chips for some reason.

This isn't some god damned carton of milk people, it's Doritos. They're supposed to be classier than this.

See.

Ok, "Kelly Voigt", I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you did do something great. Maybe you took out a school of terrorist infants, single-handedly saving us from another 9/11 (too soon?). Maybe she saved a school of terrorist infants from utter destruction, which is novel in its own way, I guess. Hell, if that's the case, a small picture on a bag of chips is kind of a slap in the face.

The copy reads:

Some people dedicate their time to children in need; others reach out to help animals. Fifteen-year-old Kelly Voigt was attacked by a dog and had to get 100 stitches on her face and neck. One year later, she was still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Now, with the help of a trained golden retriever named Casey, Kelly teaches kids how to safely intetact with dogs and how to be responsible pet owners.

Wait, what? That's your contribution to society? Getting mauled by a dog and teaching kids proper pooper scooper etiquette? I think the real hero in this story is Casey the dog.

Much better. Cuter too.

Fuck You, HP [Slow News Day]

Today is such a slow news day, this video is literally the most important thing online right now.

Not Pictured: Before the cat attacks,
the printer shoots out a big picture of a middle finger.

Cats are awesome.

Oh, if you didn't already know, the world hasn't blown up...yet. For real time updates of said apocalypse navigate over yonder.

Despite its infuriatingly long URL, it's well worth it.

The End Is Nigh, Or Not [Impending Apocalypse]

Yesterday I wrote about the Large Hadron Collider (boner joke omitted, too easy). Basically everyone with a smidgen of comprehension about this behemoth of a machine is expecting the world to get sucked into a giant black hole. Except this guy:

Though kind of melodramatic, these fears are somewhat substantiated, seeing as the whole point of the LHC is to create a fucking black hole.

In order to achieve this, 2 single atoms will be fired in opposite directions around a 17 mile loop to collide in one massive, possibly world ending...something. The point is, no one really knows what exactly is going to happen. Scientists are hoping this collision will generate the Higgs Boson particle, sometimes referred to as the "God" particle, presumably for it's resemblance to Jesus.

The Higgs Boson is so elusive it's never been seen, and possibly doesn't even exist.


Except in plush form. I'm sure the actual thing is less cute and more defecation-inducing.

So, let's say this thing actually works and brings the sweet relief horrible possibility of death to our proverbial doorstep. What would it feel like to be sucked through the blackest of holes? Thankfully, Slate has done all that research for me:

The pulling force would increase as you moved toward the center, creating what's called a "tidal force" on your body. That is to say, the gravity acting on your head would be much stronger than the gravity acting on your toes (assuming you were falling head-first). That would make your head accelerate faster than your toes; the difference would stretch your body until it snapped apart, first at its weakest point and then disintegrating rapidly from there as the tidal force became stronger than the chemical bonds holding your body together. You'd be reduced to a bunch of disconnected atoms. Those atoms would be stretched into a line and continue in a processional march. As Tyson described it, you would be "extruded through space like toothpaste being squeezed through a tube." No one knows for certain what happens to those atoms once they reach the center, or "singularity," of a black hole.

You. Tomorrow. Roughly at this time.

Of course none of this really matters though because the smartest man on four wheels has a $100 bet that the damned thing won't even work.

"I think it will be much more exciting if we don't find the Higgs. That will show something is wrong, and we need to think again. I have a bet of $100 that we won't find the Higgs."

Yes, that would be exciting. Tens of millions of dollars and 15 years of work to prove that Stephen Hawking is still fucking smarter than the rest of us.

I just like this picture.

My first concern is that Hawking hangs out with people stupid enough to bet against him, in science. Thats as if Tom Brady bet you $100 he could throw a ball through a tire and then just pelted you in the nuts with it.

So tomorrow, will either be the end of the world or Stephen Hawking will be $100 richer. Win win!

New Shiny Things [Me Wanty]

I'm usually not one to follow, but--

Who am I kidding? I still drink Crystal Pepsi. It's delicious, and clear. Much like water, but more expensive and douchey. But I digress.



This morning, Apple held their annual iPod overhaul, this year dubbed "Let's Rock". Everyone is talking about it, so I'm not even attempting to break any news, other folks are much better at it than I. At this point, it's old news anyway.

I just want to congratulate Apple on continuing to release products which become obsolete by the time I can afford them.