Poor Man's Johnny Depp

Dear Skeet Ulrich,

Get your own fucking look.

Love,
Johnny.

P.S.
I'm glad Jericho got canceled.

Your Favorite Cracked JesusPhone

Not in the good way.

Not Pictured: Phone's owner attempting suicide.

The problem seems to be affecting only white (read: lame) iPhones. Some would say this is unacceptable. People are paying $200-$300 for a product that they expect to be flawless. Others, like myself, think this is the universe punishing people with poor taste.

[Picture via CrunchGear]

Your Favorite Beached Monster

So this thing "washed ashore" in New York today:



I'm going to go out on a limb and say this thing isn't real. There are three distinct possibilities here:

1. The gates to hell have broken open and the apocalypse is near.
2. The government is doing something really fucked up to New York's rat populus.
3. This is the beginning of some wacky viral marketing campaign.

Seeing as there isn't any information on this thing, I'm going to go with door number 3. Cloverfield 2?

Your Favorite Face Planting, Airborne Female

Does this remind anyone else of the movie Heavy Weights?


You can actually see the pain/fear in her eyes.

Your Favorite Mineral-Laden Cola

Really?

Seriously, Coke, what. the. fuck? I know I'm a couple years late on this one, but it's just now started affecting my life. Let's put aside the fact that soda with "vitamins and minerals" is about as retarded as the collective intelligence aboard any given short bus. Chances are, if I want vitamins and/or minerals I'm not going to be looking for them in a bottle of coke. That's why I load myself up with 28 different supplements every morning. I've got enough estrogen in me to put on my own version of the vagina monologues.

But enough about my vagina. There is one can of this shit sitting in our fridge at work. Every time I reach for a can of regular (read: not-gay) Diet Coke, I grab the can of liquid bullshit that is Diet Coke Plus. Granted, it's probably my fault for putting it back every time instead of chucking it. But then again, who am I to play God? What if someone actually wants this thing? As soon as I see someone take it I'm going to punch them in their face.

Your Favorite Newest Internet Celebrity

MissRFTC is a "woman" from Silver Lake. Before the earthquake this morning she had 80 followers on Twitter, now she has over 500. What happened between then and now? This:

I wish I could say this was the first time I had vagina envy.

What will she do with her new found internet fame? More importantly, why am I so pissed that all it took was one tweet about her hoo-hah to make this "chick" so damn important. If you couldn't tell from my cynical use of quotes, "her" gender is still in qustion. I'll be lauging so hard when all you bastards realize this is just some viral marketing campaign for the new Mummy movie.

"My vagina hurts."

Update:

Your Favorite Kneejerk Campaign Blitz

Microsoft seems to be rather tired of the public likening them to this guy:

Apple has been so successful with their Mac vs. PC ads in recent years that it's caused Microsoft to play ball, though arguably years too late and the lamest way possible. They've just gone live with The "Mojave Experiment." It's like Punk'd, but without the ball of pure genius that is Ashton Kutcher.

Basically they shoved a bunch of John McCain types in a room and told them they were about to test out Microsoft's brand new OS, "Mojave." The only problem? Mojave is actually Vista. When people didn't know they were using Vista they seemed to enjoy it much more. We know this is true because ad campaigns are almost always based in reality. It turns out that Apple has done such a good job of bashing Vista that most people automatically assume Vista is shit, without ever having actually used it.

Though the campaign is kinda clever, the best way to showcase your OS may not be to have some woman refer to it as "this program."

Your Favorite Geological Event

A 5.8 magnitude Earthquake just rolled through LA.

Not Pictured: Me pooping myself.

It was centered in Chino Hills, which thankfully houses nothing more than dirt and meth labs. All is well in the office, although it did cause a production meeting to be broken up for five minutes. It was like we were in class and the fire alarm went off. Everyone was a little worried but secretly happy.

Just a little insight into the sick group of people I work with: The ground was still wobbly and there was already cash out on the conference room table. Impromptu Earthquake pool!

Your Favorite British, Car Based TV Show

Last night, as I lounged around the compound, sipping on Cognac and making sure all the velvet on my robe was brushed in the same direction, I was enjoying a little British program called Top Gear.

Saying Top Gear is about cars is like saying I've got great hygine, it's just not true. It's more about the three hosts and their interaction with each other. Without them, the show would be complete shit.

Left to Right: Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, James May
Not Pictured: Donatello and Raphael

Though he looks like a huge fruit, that little guy in the middle is more of a badass than any of you will ever be.



That's him driving, and subsequently crashing, something called the Vampire Dragster, a jet-powered car that's theoretically capable of reaching a top speed of 370 mph.

"He was travelling at 288.3mph (464 km/h) at the time of the crash, but when the jet car overturned and the roll cage dug into the ground he was still going at 232mph (373.4 km/h), with the top of his helmet dragging along the ground; it has been speculated that if he were any taller, he would have been decapitated."

Though he suffered "significant brain injury," the little fucker returned to work less than 5 months later. I took 2 weeks off from work due to a sprained O-Ring once. Hammond knocked on Death's door, kicked him in the balls, and went right back to work.

You can catch Top Gear on BBC America, who is currently airing Season 8.
Or you can watch Season 11, currently airing in the UK via BitTorrent. Legality: questionable.

Your Favorite Movie

This is the single greatest story ever put on celluloid. It's my favorite (read: your favorite) movie for the following reasons.

1. Michael J. Fox (Pre Parks)

2. "You built a time machine? Out of a DeLorean?"

3. Amazing Score.

4. Hoverboards (Part 2)

5. It's quintessentially 80's, but still rocks to this day.

Your Favorite Pen

Not Pictured: Included Jet Pack

This, my friends, is the greatest pen ever created by the hand of man. It's a pen worthy of keeping in your pocket. I have to keep it hidden in my desk, it's that desirable. Not an hour goes by where I don't have to fend off paparazzo, eager to get just a glimpse of me and my baby.

My theory was confirmed in 2007, with a little film called Breach. In said film, Chris Cooper's character highly praises a little pen called....that's right, I can stop here.

Actual line from the film: “Best pens in the world! I never write with anything else.”

Chris Cooper is one of the coolest guys ever. I heard he kicked the shit out of Chuck Norris in a bar fight once. Therefore, my pen could kick your pens' ass.