Iran Eats Themselves Out of A World Record [Slow News Day]

I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Ahmadinejad: Goldstein, get over here!

Goldstein: (Mumbles something incoherent)

Ahmadinejad: Take that Jew shield off, I have a great idea!

(In Iran, all Jews are forced to wear "Jew Shields" to protect the rest of the population from contamination)

"Premium" Jew Shield, now with eye holes!

Goldstein: Sorry, sir. Go ahead.

Ahmadinejad: Let's build a giant fucking sandwich!

And so it was. Sadly, the president's dream was never realized. It turns out that Iranians are too damn hungry to sit and watch idly as 1,500 meters worth of hoagie goes uneaten.

TEHRAN (Reuters) – Iran failed Friday to register what it said would be the world's largest sandwich in the Guinness book of World Records after people rushed forward and began eating it -- before it was measured.

Event organizers had planned to stuff the 1,500-meter-long sandwich with 700 kg of ostrich meat and 700 kg of chicken, and display it in a park in the capital Tehran.

That sounds like a horrible sandwich. Ostrich and chicken? Evidently they were running low on Puma and Beaver.

[Via Yahoo News]

Facebook Great For Killing Time, And People! [Internet Meets Life]

Wayne Forrester is your typical 34 year-old British man. He enjoys bangers & mash, alcohol, cocaine, and murder. I'm getting ahead of myself, let's rewind.

THAT'S bangers and mash? WTF is wrong with the British?

Emma Forrester was fed up with her sausage loving husband (complete speculation) of 15 years and decided it was time to end things. So she kicked him out, presumably on his arse. A few days later Emma changed her Facebook relationship status to "single" which pissed off crazy Wayne beyond belief. He drove to her house, fueled by a cocktail of alcohol and cocaine, and proceeded to stab her with a kitchen knife and meat cleaver. Which begs the question, was the cleaver really necessary?

Judge Brian Barker, the Common Serjeant of London, told him: "You committed a terrible act. There is no possible excuse or justification.

Judge Barker clearly doesn't have a Facebook profile. I totally sympathize with Wayne, that bitch had it coming. How dare she seperate from her truck driving (true), drug addict husband and then have the balls to let the whole damn internet know? She's seriously lucky he only killed her and didn't make her into a throw rug or something.

Disclaimer: I do not condone murder IRL.

[Via BBC News]

Nazi's Delay Video Game Release [The End of Fun]

OK, that's not completely true, but what a headline!

LitteBigPlanet is due to be released for the PS3 at the end of October. At least, it was until some ultra-perceptive, hyper sensitive Islamic-type ruined it for everyone.

"No fun for you!!"

Apparently this song, played early in the game, contains lyrics that were pulled directly from the Qur'an. Little Miss Sunshine over there took offensive to said lyrics and threw a shit-fit.

What? You don't understand Islam? Fools...

The "offensive" parts of the song include:

1- In the 18th second: "كل نفس ذائقة الموت" ("kollo nafsin tha'iqatol mawt", literally: 'Every soul shall have the taste of death').

2- Almost immediately after, in the 27th second: "كل من عليها فان" ("kollo man alaiha fan", literally: 'All that is on earth will perish').

Our little Islamic Carmen San Diego here failed to dig much deeper than that though. Luckily I've done a little research of my own and have unearthed some equally offensive, though less publicized lyrics.

About 35 seconds in: " ئقة الم كل م" ("kollo nafsin alaiha", literally: 'Burn, burn, burn the Jews').

Then, almost immediately after: "ها فانكل " ("tha'iqatol mawt fan", literally: 'Pork is yummy').

So thank you sir, for single-handedly ruining fun for millions.

In Memorandum: Rape Alley [Rape Alley]

Internet's rejoice! I'm back and slightly better than ever. My brief hiatus was due to being in between jobs, and while logically that would mean more posting, the reality of my lazy existence took hold of me, causing a spiraling depression which eventually led to a nasty antifreeze addiction. Don't fret though, I kicked it, and I'm a better Mom for it.

Not Pictured: Me, salivating

I would like to take this joyous moment to remember an old friend. Someone who always stuck with me, someone who always provided me with countless minutes of semi-entertaining spectacle. That's right friends, Rape Alley is no more.

Ok, well that's not true whatsoever. It still exists, unfortunately I've moved on to bigger and better places. No longer do I have the warm embrace of urinating bums peering over my shoulder. Never again will I see a pair of hormonal teenagers vigorously feeling each other up in the middle of the day. Not in person, at least.

Fair reader's, today is truly a sad day. I can only hope that the Sony lot is as riddled with dysfunction as my old lot.

Update: They shoot Wheel of Fortune here. I can't think of anyone more dysfunctional than Sajak. I have it on good authority (read: my own) that Pat heavily lubricates himself with Jack Daniels and canned air to put up with Vanna's incessant ramblings.

He keeps a flask under "Bankrupt"