Fire In My Pants [Heatwave]

For those of you not lucky enough (Read: Too poor) to live in Los Angeles, frankly, I envy you. Today. It's hotter than Kate Gosselin in a bikini up in here. You guys are in to stretched out, cunty Mom's also, right?

Just want another excuse to say "stretched out, cunty Mom." Thanks!

It's supposed to be like 103 degrees today (Fahrenheit. Editor's note: No Europeans allowed). Imagine if I weren't so classy and lived in the Valley, where it's 10-15 degrees warmer than near the ocean. You know what? Don't. No one should have to think of such atrocities.

Let me explain the Valley for those not familiar with it. Let's start with the obvious. Why "the valley?" Most people got tired of saying "the valley of despair" so it became colloquially know simply as "The Valley." You won't find that shit in any history books, fucking Communists and their revisionist history.

This looks like some out of control, third world country, doesn't it? Like, let's say...Puerto Rico? WRONG!! This is Van Nuys on a Sunday afternoon. Lunch trucks have been known to get so out of control in the valley, the riot police have to be called in. I've been raped twice just crossing the street in Sherman Oaks. OK, OK, once. On a related note: Legally it's not rape if you tip your "assailant."

While I'm incredibly frustrated with all the I'm not also equally as relieved I don't live in the valley. Wow, bitching on the internet can really be cathartic.