I live with my wonderful girlfriend Emily. She's female and lets me touch her. Emily's mom is coming in to town this weekend, and boy will her arms be achy! That's how the joke goes, right?
She'll be the first real guest we've had stay in our new apartment, unless you count that "friend" of Emily's that stunk up our couch and stole most of our food. I still think it was a homeless dude that took her for a ride.
I thought it would be prudent to compile a list of things I need to do/hide/have surgically removed before she arrives. This will be in an effort to convince her that her daughter isn't dating some loser with a shitty blog.
1. Get morning wood under control.
2. Conceal the 2 packs of baby wipes I keep next to the toilet. I think Emily's mom knows she doesn't have a granddaughter.
3. Stop my morning ritual of blasting "Single Ladies" while I nakedly march to the shower.
4. Get afternoon through evening wood under control.
5. Remove the display of questionable photos of myself from the mantle. It's not my fault I look great sans pants.
6. Realize my dream of shaving a lightning bolt in to the cats fur is never going to happen.
7. Remove the chalk board hanging in the bathroom where I tally how many times a day I have a solid BM. Replace with this:
8. Have more solid BM's.
9. Stop making lists for myself which ultimately go ignored.
I think I can definitely do at least 3 of these.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
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3 comments:
you are such a turd! lol
I was going to comment on how many of these things are on my own ToDo list, but then I noticed one of your tags for this post is "poop," and all I can do is clap aloud at your brilliance.
Thank you, sir.
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