Stuff You Should Like

All Text Is Created Equal [iPad]

2010-04-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

I had a thought yesterday, just one. A thought so grand in its scope and magnitude that it inspired me, nay - demanded of me, to write a semi-serious (read: not scatological) blog post. My thesis in 15 words or less: On the iPad, all text carries the same gravity (or gravitas for the hipsters).

This came up when I did a Google Image search for 'gravitas.' Good enough.

The longer I spend with my iPad, or 'Binky' as I've come to refer to her, the more apparent and meaningful this becomes. An article read from the New York Times for instance, when properly zoomed and occupying the entire screen, looks exactly the same as an article from this blog. Subtle racism and dick jokes aside, of course.

Every site carries with it a certain level of bias. As hard as you may try, you can never completely hide this bias. Slate and Fark, for example, are wildly different in their level of design and professionalism, and this difference may influence how much weight you place on a particular story. On a traditional web experience, you're very aware of where you are. But on the iPad everything except the content simply fades away. Suddenly everything just becomes news. When everything you read looks the same, nothing is more or less important than anything else.

This is why I love my iPad. Plus it's really shiny.

Funemployment

2010-03-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

According to that guy (whose ironic usage of the word 'worse' is a brilliant comment on the state of American healthcare and not a retarded spelling mistake), I'm smack in the middle of a loooooong weekend. In a turn of what can only be interpreted as divine intervention, Emily (@emooply) is home "sick" today.

Draw your own conclusions.

This morning we watched a show called THE PACIFIC. The show is executive produced by Tom Hanks and Steven Speilberg, whose World War II fetishes are really starting to sully their bodies of work.

Thinly veiled allegory for Hitler's questionable sexuality.

The reason I'll keep watching though, is because of Joseph "Ghostface Killa" Mazzello. His most notable role, of course, being in the great JURASSIC PARK.

It's a bruised knee, I thought it was a nipple for a second too.

Or, if you're Emily, you'll know him best from a movie called THE CURE.

Sounds awesome.

Since I think all shows should be as awesome as LOST, I've composed my own theory as to what's going on with this island (historical note: The show refers to it as Guadalcanal, not sure how accurate that is). Spoilers: 9 episodes worth of stuff will happen then it'll finally be revealed that this was all a prequel to Jurassic Park...we've been on that island the whole time! Of course it's the 30's or something so none of the cool T-Rex vs. Raptor action has happened yet. Wayne Knight hasn't even been conceived. Maybe we get to see baby John Hammond at the end or something, I haven't fully fleshed it out yet.

Then we made some eggs. Then I ruined Emily's manicure by making her fold her own laundry which I washed and dried.

I fear this day may have already peaked.

Fire In My Pants [Heatwave]

2009-08-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

For those of you not lucky enough (Read: Too poor) to live in Los Angeles, frankly, I envy you. Today. It's hotter than Kate Gosselin in a bikini up in here. You guys are in to stretched out, cunty Mom's also, right?

Just want another excuse to say "stretched out, cunty Mom." Thanks!

It's supposed to be like 103 degrees today (Fahrenheit. Editor's note: No Europeans allowed). Imagine if I weren't so classy and lived in the Valley, where it's 10-15 degrees warmer than near the ocean. You know what? Don't. No one should have to think of such atrocities.

Let me explain the Valley for those not familiar with it. Let's start with the obvious. Why "the valley?" Most people got tired of saying "the valley of despair" so it became colloquially know simply as "The Valley." You won't find that shit in any history books, fucking Communists and their revisionist history.

This looks like some out of control, third world country, doesn't it? Like, let's say...Puerto Rico? WRONG!! This is Van Nuys on a Sunday afternoon. Lunch trucks have been known to get so out of control in the valley, the riot police have to be called in. I've been raped twice just crossing the street in Sherman Oaks. OK, OK, once. On a related note: Legally it's not rape if you tip your "assailant."

While I'm incredibly frustrated with all the I'm not also equally as relieved I don't live in the valley. Wow, bitching on the internet can really be cathartic.

Biggest Loser?! More Like Biggest...Loser--Shit [Rants]

2009-05-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

The Season Finale of BIGGEST LOSER aired last night and god DAMMIT did it piss me off. Pound for pound...

...that was not only the worst episode of the season, but one of the worst episodes of anything I've ever seen. Excluding, of course, that one episode of Frasier where Kelsey Grammer discovers he's really in to scat play.

Shit on my chest.

The biggest problem I had was the running time. IT WAS 3 FUCKING HOURS LONG. 3 hours. Just for a little perspective, here are all the things you could accomplish in 3 hours:

1. Tile and grout an entire rape room.

2. Successfully negotiate peace talks between Israel and Palestine.

3. Watch 6 Donkey Shows.

4. ANYTHING ELSE

Think of the thing you love doing most in the world. Now imagine doing that thing for 3 hours straight. Still sound like fun? No, no it doesn't.

Do you like heterosexual sex? --Er, I mean, just plain sex? Great, so do I. I swear. Do I want to do it for 3 hours? No.

Do you like food? Eat some for 3 hours straight. Still like it?

People have a hard time getting through The Godfather, arguably one of the best films ever made. The Godfather is 5 minutes shorter than last nights episode.

Michael, what is this shit? You know I don't eat carbs...

They could have fit all that content in to a 30 minute show and still had 12 minutes to spare. It's like stretching out an orgasm to 3 hours. At a certain point it stops being fun and starts being painful, just ask Rihanna.

We like to eat everything., including your will to live.

TV is supposed to make you happy. It's supposed to help you forget about the family of Guatemalans squatting in the pantry. Is it still considered squatting if you make them walk 3 steps ahead of you to dust the path? I don't like getting the soles of my shoes dirty, lay off.

Note To Self

2009-05-12T12:20:00.001-07:00

I live with my wonderful girlfriend Emily. She's female and lets me touch her. Emily's mom is coming in to town this weekend, and boy will her arms be achy! That's how the joke goes, right?

She'll be the first real guest we've had stay in our new apartment, unless you count that "friend" of Emily's that stunk up our couch and stole most of our food. I still think it was a homeless dude that took her for a ride.

I thought it would be prudent to compile a list of things I need to do/hide/have surgically removed before she arrives. This will be in an effort to convince her that her daughter isn't dating some loser with a shitty blog.

1. Get morning wood under control.

2. Conceal the 2 packs of baby wipes I keep next to the toilet. I think Emily's mom knows she doesn't have a granddaughter.

3. Stop my morning ritual of blasting "Single Ladies" while I nakedly march to the shower.

4. Get afternoon through evening wood under control.

5. Remove the display of questionable photos of myself from the mantle. It's not my fault I look great sans pants.

6. Realize my dream of shaving a lightning bolt in to the cats fur is never going to happen.

7. Remove the chalk board hanging in the bathroom where I tally how many times a day I have a solid BM. Replace with this:

Poop is funny.

8. Have more solid BM's.

9. Stop making lists for myself which ultimately go ignored.

I think I can definitely do at least 3 of these.

I'm Back [Fuckers]

2009-05-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

Due to sheer boredom and a love for my own ramblings, I'm back! Not much has changed; I'm still sickeningly good-looking/wealthy, I still have a deep rooted hatred for all non white (read: pure) people , and evidently I still remember how to type.

As I type this I'm trying to "procure" a copy of Photoshop in order to wow you with my image compositing skillz. In case my clever use of ironic quotes hasn't clued you in, I'm pirating Photoshop. It looks like I'm still Jewish, so that hasn't changed either.

Read my blog!

Update: Photoshop.com appears to be awesome and free.

I'd like to talk a little about traumatic experiences. Not my own so much, there isn't nearly enough time or accredited Internet Therapists for that.

Update 2: Photoshop.com sucks. If I wanted some fancy method to remove red eye I would stop smoking meth.

Anyway, this morning I was leisurely minding my own business, NOT looking at porn, when suddenly I hear my name being shouted from across the way.

"Hammer! Hammer!"

I've convinced everyone at work that my birth name is Hammer Rapenstein. It was surprisingly easy.

"Come here, something is on fire!"

I looked toward the first logical place, my loins. Thankfully, they were not. So I strolled next door to find the kitchen engulfed in smoke and smelling of burnt toast. I looked down at my loins again, just to make sure. Then I looked to the toaster. Ah ha!

It looked like this but not nearly as dramatic or tasty.

Let's call the person who discovered this...Panicky. I was then told that "since the car burned down," Panicky was uncomfortable with fire. Just to be clear, yes, I am a classically trained (Julliard) firefighter. The extent of my fire fight with the bread however, amounted to me inhaling and quickly exhaling. Imagine blowing out the candles on the world's shittiest birthday cake.

I'm all for avoiding situations that rehash traumatic experiences (Ask me when the last time I used a broom was. 1989.), but c'mon! Everyone needs to calm the eff down and put things in perspective. A flaming piece of toast is relatively harmless. Unless it's Rye. God DAMMIT do I love Rye bread.

The Future is Now

2009-01-27T08:26:00.000-08:00

Emily was at school last night (that's what she calls her other boyfriend), so I decided to order myself a pizza. Rather than go for quality, I went for technology. I just really wanted to get that feeling back, you know the one I'm talking about. Remember the first time you saw "The Net"? Remember when Sandy Bullock (we're pally like that) signed online and ordered a fucking pizza? This was in 1995, mind you. That shit blew my mind.

Sadly, she was never heard from again.

My pizza house of choice was Domino's, because unfortunately, only shitty pizzeria's let you order online. Whatever, totally worth it. Come to think of it, the best part of that pizza was ordering it. Anyway, check out what the geniuses over at Domino's have invented:

It's kinda hard to read, but the progress bar is broken up into order placed, prep, bake, box, deliver. I literally stared at this flashing bar for 30 minutes until my pizza arrived. This is the pinnacle of technology, people. It's all downhill from here...

Don't Drink The Water

2009-01-26T09:08:00.001-08:00

It was more what I could have seen. Let's just say I was offered to attend a show featuring donkeys. It was exactly as I expected it, and it was remarkable nonetheless.

Insert Coin Here [NSFW]

2009-01-26T08:52:00.000-08:00

There had to be a perfect storm of bad decisions to bring this monstrosity to life. Not to mention, a lifetime of neglect and disappointment, a complete lack of decency, and most clearly, a love of Pac Man.

So, this is cool? I guess?

[Via Waylou]

Dental Doom [Motif's]

2009-01-26T08:42:00.001-08:00

I've got an appointment with a tiny hook and mirror in about an hour. I hate that damn hook.

Fuck You.

I think I'm going to take my camera and try to get some sweet action shots. In other news, this is a funny video.

"Clothes to the Future" with Paul Scheer from Paul Scheer

The Red Panda of Doom

2009-01-25T12:32:00.001-08:00

Red panda by Tambako the Jaguar

Look at this guy, he's amazing. I don't care if he likes to sleep with his head wedged inside me, totally worth it. I'd imagine he'd devour my cat, Mark, within minutes of coming home, so that's a con.

I would call him Donatello, and I would love him.

ProTip: Check For Milk THEN Pour Cereal [Buffounary]

2009-01-25T11:58:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to sushi with Emily and some friends in Venice. We split a magnum of sake, followed by a post-sushi drink. After my third amyl nitrate jello shot, Emily decided enough was enough.

They make your butt-hole loose :)

Naturally, the first thing I wanted when we got home was a bowl of cereal. The following picture should explain better than I can.

I'm kinda proud of my drunken thought process, it perfectly preserved my last bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats. It's like that bug trapped in the amber in Jurassic Park. Don't feed the raptors!I can't wait to get milk...

People Are Ripping Me Off [Rants]

2009-01-23T10:11:00.000-08:00

Whilst browsing various trashy blogs, similar to this one, I discovered not one, but TWO counts of theft. I'm choosing to ignore the fact that their posts went live about an hour before mine, but still!

He Does What?!

More Like Drunky LaBeouf

I am going to pat myself on the back though for coming up with a nearly identical title as WWTDD on the Obama Fistgate. That immediately got negated because of the fact that the WWTDD guy is a much funnier writer. Nonetheless, I still rule.

they do WHAT?

shia, wtf are you doing?

Please resist the urge to read this man's blog rather than mine.

Why my hip-hop posse would include Sarah Palin

2009-01-23T09:44:00.001-08:00

My super-posse WILL rule the world one day.

Sarah Palin
Enforcer

Tracy Morgan
Entertainment/Scape Goat

Anderson Cooper
I need a minority.

More Like Drunky LaBeouf [Slow News Day]

2009-01-23T08:37:00.000-08:00

Ruminate on this for a minute.

This is LaBeouf walking home from a liquor store, walking, because his license is suspended. Douche. He clearly isn't buying booze, unless Arizona Tea makes schnapps now. There really couldn't be a better way to divert attention away from your face. Bravo, Shia.

You may also notice the plastic bag wrapped around his hand. This is either to protect his injured lady-slapper or to stave off the compulsive masturbation. I have it on good authority (read:mine) that he can't stop. Stay strong!!

[via The Superficial]

The Cat's Got It Better Than Me [Funemployment]

2009-01-22T14:33:00.000-08:00

After the Bonnie Hunt show today, I started getting kind of antsy. I stepped out on the balcony and spotted my cat having the time of his life. It's cold and rainy out, I don't have a job, and Bonnie Hunt won't be back on until tomorrow at noon! But Mark (that's his Hebrew name), is livin' it up.

"Why are you doing this?"

Aside from having my entire apartment to scratch to hell, he also has a Condo. CONDO! It looks more comfortable than my bed. Did I mention it's filled with catnip? That would be like living inside a cocaine laced Snuggie.

Relatively speaking, I'm pretty sure Mark has more room in his condo than I do in my apartment.

Are you kidding me?! I have to take a good 10 steps to take a shit, Mark just has to roll over. It really couldn't get any worse.

I recant that last statement. I'm not so much angry at Mark, just jealous. On the plus side, he doesn't have thumbs.

He Does WHAT?! [Idiocy in the Media]

2009-01-22T12:18:00.000-08:00

I wish I had something to say that could top this.

Beeriversary

2009-01-22T11:28:00.000-08:00

Today marks two momentus events; 1. It's the first morning in weeks I didn't wake up to myself screaming, and 2. It's the 50th anniversary of the aluminum can, brought to us by the Adolph Coors Co. I wish I was making that up. Check it out for yourself. The man responsible for countless cases of domestic abuse and uninvited bowel movements is this man.

He was so wasted in this picture.

That's Bill Coors, and he's my hero. The can was developed under the strictest of security. Imagine Guantanamo Bay, but with more nudity and beer.

"Um, guys? I can't really get this can to my mouth. Little help?"

From the article:

That can ultimately spelled the demise of the tin beverage can developed in the mid-1800s. Industry officials say the development of the Coors aluminum can forever changed the way people drink beer and other beverages.

Tin can?! Was there even a pull tab? Imagine being one beer away from temporary happiness and you can't even open the damn thing.

"Honey, where's the can opener?"
"Why?"
"Just give it to me, it'll be good for everyone."

Although, the upside is that once you're drunk and have an abundance of cans lying around, things start to get fun.

[Via RockyMountainNews]

When In Doubt, Sell Your Shit [Funemployment]

2009-01-21T14:31:00.001-08:00

Sometime between 3AM and 4AM I had an epiphany. A little voice in my head whispered, "just sell your seed." This was confusing for two reasons; 1. I was certain that last round of primal scream therapy had exorcised the voice's; and 2. I had no idea what he meant. I just sort of shrugged to myself and went about staring at the wall.

"No, you idiot. Your sperm."

This was bittersweet. Although my confusion had indeed been relieved, my ears were now bleeding. I furiously navigated to the most legitimate looking sperm bank website I could find. I've learned, I mean heard, that quality of service is proportional to the number of minorities represented on their website.

Jackpot

I was balls deep in to the process (pun intended), when I was turned down quicker than Benjamin Button at his Senior Prom.

"Hi, I'm fourteen. Wanna dance?"

The very first requirement was a height minimum. Specifically, not elfishly small. Slightly defeated, I made my way home from the office (stand, rotate, take 3 steps). I was hoping to get in a couple episodes of Bridezillas, but that didn't go well. My little friend was back.

"Well?"
"Fuck you, voice. That was horrible advice."
"Hey man, don't kill the messenger."
"Look, just leave me alone."
"No one wanted your stuff?"
"What? Stuff? You said 'seed'. 'Sell your seeeeed'"
"No, tard. I said STUFF. Sell your stuff. Who the hell would want more of us running around?"

At that point, consumed by anger, I slammed my head into the oven door to teach that bastard a lesson. While I was cleaning up the blood, I really ruminated on what he said. Craigslist is definitely worth a shot.

At about 5AM this morning I posted an ad for an old LCD Display I had lying around. Within hours, a strange British man was in my house, paying me for goods, not services!! What a relief.

I'm going to consider today a success. I'm $50 richer and only have a mild concussion.

Inaugurating Funemployment!! [Funemployment]

2009-01-21T04:01:00.000-08:00

Could there be a more ideal time to unveil the newest feature here @ SYSL? Short answer: Yes. But I'm bored, it's late, and I figured since Obama did some inaugurating tonight, why can't I?

With great pleasure, tonight I shall christen this new feature:

FUNEMPLOYMENT (patent pending)

Every so often I'll be bringing you new and exciting ways to help those lazy Tuesdays just melt away.

"I didn't approve the use of this picture"

So, welcome to everyone. To all the laid off employees of this fine country, to all those simply too lazy to seek out gainful employment, and most importantly, to my colleagues in the entertainment industry, who know more about Unemployment than Danny Bonaduce.

"Yes, I'd consider myself a self-starter"

OK, I'll admit it, I'm out of work. Yes, it sucks feeling like your talents are being wasted eating sheet cake and watching Home Improvement. Although that Randy Taylor can be quite the cad sometimes. It sucks barely being able to scrape by. I feel like it sucks for me especially. Allow me to explain.

I work in Film/TV. When a show is over, you no longer have a job. More often that not, this leads to long periods of unemployment. To compound the matter, the only real proactive movement is putting your name on an availability list at the Union. It can literally be months between working, and all you can do it sit around and wait for the phone to ring.

"God Dammit, Mom!! I'm expecting a call! Meatloaf sounds great, love you."

SO! What to do in these times? My situation is ideal: though I'm actively looking for work, most of my day is still completely devoid of activity. Which affords me lot's of time to create interesting ways to keep myself occupied.

Good tease, huh?

LOOK FOR WORK
Though the most obvious choice, you'd be surprised how many people actually forget this crucial step. Lately I've been using Craigslist, though it's hard to sift through all the pyramid schemes and trannies.

CLEAN YOUR HOUSE
Guys: If you're unemployed and live in a shit hut, chances are you don't have a female companion. If you do, she's cheating on you. Don't believe me? Check the last text she got, you won't be happy.

STRETCH THINGS OUT
Have to run to the store? Is it walkable? I bet you know where this is going you lazy fuck. Get off your ass and walk down to the store. You'll kill some time, get some air, get some exercise, and the pot at the end of the rainbow is that Lunchable you've been craving so bad.

Hope Has Come to Longs Drugs

2009-01-21T03:22:00.001-08:00

This afternoon I was waiting in line at the pharmacy to pick up what some like to call "the cocktail." Perhaps that was too much information. Perhaps I have an empty void in my soul that can only be filled by divulging horribly private information about myself to whomever cares to listen.

Clearly, the kind staff at Longs hadn't gotten the memo about my Universal Fast Pass, valid EVERYWHERE. You haven't lived until you've shoved a homeless man to the ground because the Matzo Ball soup at the local Y is just that good. Begrudgingly, I was forced to wait behind four commoners. An older lady came scurrying up to the front of the line and proclaimed that she was "really late for a dentist appointment" and could she "please cut to the front? I only have one prescription."

"I'm really late for the dentist!"

The line took an impromptu vote, lead by the man with the tattered jeans and Converse All-Stars at the front. The vote was nearly unanimous. The lone hold out being the bitch in front of me. I swear to Allah, if I ever find her...

What really struck me though was what Mr. Trendy Pants said after that: "This is a good day to start doing that." That day, of course, being inauguration day.

That statement really affected me, it was actually quite emotional. Based purely on that one experience, I can whole heatedly say that this country is headed for a prosperous time. People are more hopeful, and consequently, happier.

To sum up: Can anyone hook me up with a Fast Pass?

I'm pretty sure I got scammed.

Iran Eats Themselves Out of A World Record [Slow News Day]

2008-10-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Ahmadinejad: Goldstein, get over here!

Goldstein: (Mumbles something incoherent)

Ahmadinejad: Take that Jew shield off, I have a great idea!

(In Iran, all Jews are forced to wear "Jew Shields" to protect the rest of the population from contamination)

"Premium" Jew Shield, now with eye holes!

Goldstein: Sorry, sir. Go ahead.

Ahmadinejad: Let's build a giant fucking sandwich!

And so it was. Sadly, the president's dream was never realized. It turns out that Iranians are too damn hungry to sit and watch idly as 1,500 meters worth of hoagie goes uneaten.

TEHRAN (Reuters) – Iran failed Friday to register what it said would be the world's largest sandwich in the Guinness book of World Records after people rushed forward and began eating it -- before it was measured.

Event organizers had planned to stuff the 1,500-meter-long sandwich with 700 kg of ostrich meat and 700 kg of chicken, and display it in a park in the capital Tehran.

That sounds like a horrible sandwich. Ostrich and chicken? Evidently they were running low on Puma and Beaver.

[Via Yahoo News]

Facebook Great For Killing Time, And People! [Internet Meets Life]

2008-10-17T15:45:00.000-07:00

Wayne Forrester is your typical 34 year-old British man. He enjoys bangers & mash, alcohol, cocaine, and murder. I'm getting ahead of myself, let's rewind.

THAT'S bangers and mash? WTF is wrong with the British?

Emma Forrester was fed up with her sausage loving husband (complete speculation) of 15 years and decided it was time to end things. So she kicked him out, presumably on his arse. A few days later Emma changed her Facebook relationship status to "single" which pissed off crazy Wayne beyond belief. He drove to her house, fueled by a cocktail of alcohol and cocaine, and proceeded to stab her with a kitchen knife and meat cleaver. Which begs the question, was the cleaver really necessary?

Judge Brian Barker, the Common Serjeant of London, told him: "You committed a terrible act. There is no possible excuse or justification.

Judge Barker clearly doesn't have a Facebook profile. I totally sympathize with Wayne, that bitch had it coming. How dare she seperate from her truck driving (true), drug addict husband and then have the balls to let the whole damn internet know? She's seriously lucky he only killed her and didn't make her into a throw rug or something.

Disclaimer: I do not condone murder IRL.

[Via BBC News]

Nazi's Delay Video Game Release [The End of Fun]

2008-10-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

OK, that's not completely true, but what a headline!

LitteBigPlanet is due to be released for the PS3 at the end of October. At least, it was until some ultra-perceptive, hyper sensitive Islamic-type ruined it for everyone.

"No fun for you!!"

Apparently this song, played early in the game, contains lyrics that were pulled directly from the Qur'an. Little Miss Sunshine over there took offensive to said lyrics and threw a shit-fit.

What? You don't understand Islam? Fools...

The "offensive" parts of the song include:

1- In the 18th second: "كل نفس ذائقة الموت" ("kollo nafsin tha'iqatol mawt", literally: 'Every soul shall have the taste of death').

2- Almost immediately after, in the 27th second: "كل من عليها فان" ("kollo man alaiha fan", literally: 'All that is on earth will perish').

Our little Islamic Carmen San Diego here failed to dig much deeper than that though. Luckily I've done a little research of my own and have unearthed some equally offensive, though less publicized lyrics.

About 35 seconds in: " ئقة الم كل م" ("kollo nafsin alaiha", literally: 'Burn, burn, burn the Jews').

Then, almost immediately after: "ها فانكل " ("tha'iqatol mawt fan", literally: 'Pork is yummy').

So thank you sir, for single-handedly ruining fun for millions.

In Memorandum: Rape Alley [Rape Alley]

2008-10-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

Internet's rejoice! I'm back and slightly better than ever. My brief hiatus was due to being in between jobs, and while logically that would mean more posting, the reality of my lazy existence took hold of me, causing a spiraling depression which eventually led to a nasty antifreeze addiction. Don't fret though, I kicked it, and I'm a better Mom for it.

Not Pictured: Me, salivating

I would like to take this joyous moment to remember an old friend. Someone who always stuck with me, someone who always provided me with countless minutes of semi-entertaining spectacle. That's right friends, Rape Alley is no more.

Ok, well that's not true whatsoever. It still exists, unfortunately I've moved on to bigger and better places. No longer do I have the warm embrace of urinating bums peering over my shoulder. Never again will I see a pair of hormonal teenagers vigorously feeling each other up in the middle of the day. Not in person, at least.

Fair reader's, today is truly a sad day. I can only hope that the Sony lot is as riddled with dysfunction as my old lot.

Update: They shoot Wheel of Fortune here. I can't think of anyone more dysfunctional than Sajak. I have it on good authority (read: my own) that Pat heavily lubricates himself with Jack Daniels and canned air to put up with Vanna's incessant ramblings.

He keeps a flask under "Bankrupt"

Shave Much? [Rant]

2008-09-23T16:44:00.000-07:00

Shaving B.L.O.W.S. That's not an acronym, it's called emphasis and you'd better get used TO IT!! No one likes shaving, anywhere. Guy, girl, face, legs, back, ears, feet...It's just not a pleasant activity, no matter who is doing it to what.

I just looked at myself in the mirror and noticed that after less than a week of not shaving I've turned in to Ambrose E. Burnside.

You should really buff up on your history.

I've grown mutton chops. And not the sweet black and white kind like Burny up there, I'm growing the equivalent of a mullet on both sides of my head. Normally I'm very well groomed, some say too groomed (let that ruminate in your head a little), but lately (read: since I was 15) I've had no desire to shave.

Unless you shave every day, or you're this guy:

It's always going to be a losing battle.

Disclaimer: I know next to nothing about women so all opinions are based solely on the male experience.

There's definitely a "magic hour" of sorts when it comes to shaving. Not too much hair where as the razor is pulling it out, but not too little or you'll run the risk of deadly razor burn. I'd imagine the same holds true for women. If I knew one I could confirm this theory. This "magic hour" tends to fall around day 3 of not shaving for me.

Day 4 is when I give day 3 a big middle finger in it's prime numbered ass and just keep on cruising by. Well past day 7, and sometimes, just sometimes, I cross the dark side in to double digits. Around day 10 (or, Defcon 1 as Emily likes to call it) I really start to piss off not only myself, but I suspect society as a whole.

Though unbelievably easy to maintain, a full beard sucks slightly more than shaving. It's all itchy and makes my face look like a vagina.

The LHC Of Joints [Rape Alley]

2008-09-16T15:45:00.000-07:00

In our second installment of this feature, lovingly dubbed Rape Alley, we examine drug use among the vest-wearing, seemingly homeless population of Culver City. This is my new best friend:

Please ignore the glare. I was giddy with excitement and forgot my photog etiquite.

For the sake of story telling, let's call him Charles. Mainly because he's incredibly classy and reminds me of a prince. His method of ingestion consisted of blowing on the joint, as so, then inhaling what came off. It's definitely the weirdest technique I've ever seen--er, heard of.

That window is approximately 18 inches behind my head, needless to say, it reeks in here. Yes, those are rubber bands around that horse cock of a joint to hold it together.

Charles on his throne, continuing the madness.

I'm not usually one to comment on wardrobe, but, let's take a moment to examine Charles' ensemble. The lynch pin of the whole thing is definitely that vest (pin-striped, mind you), it really ties the outfit together. It's pretty tough to pull off the vest-only look, but good ol' Charles did it. Extra points for accomplishing this feat whilst holding a CVS bag in his non-joint hand and a roll of paper towels tucked under the other arm (seriously).

Charles' posse.

Thank you, sir. You have truly brightened my day.

Button Fly? More Like, Button DIE [Rant]

2008-09-16T14:19:00.000-07:00

I'm caught in the middle of a dilemma. I hate, hate, button fly jeans, but my favorite pair just happen to be of this variety.

Who thought to themselves, "Hey, jeans are way too easy to put on, how can I complicate this?" It was probably this guy:

"I shall make the perfect race of jeans."

Most bad things are his fault anyway, might as well add this to the list. Putting on my jeans has gone from a 90 second affair to a 120 second affair, and that is just unacceptable. What? 90 seconds is still way too long to put on jeans? Well that extra 75 seconds accounts for lube time, my jeans are very tight.

Probably shouldn't have picked out this particular pair.

My main concern isn't the actual buttoning of said fly, I've turned that into a drinking game of sorts. Every time I button one I take a shot of Tequila, and since most of my pants have at least 8 buttons (front & back), my drive in to work tends to be entertaining.

The real problem is that the damn thing just does not want to stay buttoned.

Walking from my car to the office? 1 button, popped.
Booting up my computer? 2 buttons, gone.
Breathing at a steady pace? 3 buttons and a mild ulcer.

I would burn these jeans to the ground if they didn't make my ass look so good.

Ninja Monday [Read: Black]

2008-09-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't heard yet, the economy basically took a big shit on all of us today.

Kind of like this, but firmer, and the baby is America.

Amidst all this chaos, the human spirit prevailed. Specifically, the part of the human spirit that loves to see animals do cute things. As far as I'm concerned, this is the best thing that happened today.

We clearly can't trust cats anymore. Then this happened, and kind of frightened me.

Who is breeding these super-pets? If somehow this dog met that cat up there, and by some freakish lapse in logic and science, they mated--

I don't even want to think about it. It's like imagining McCain winning, nothing good will come of it.

In other news: I'm still at work. Go team!

Free Tragedy Soup [FAIL]

2008-09-12T16:33:00.000-07:00

Personally, when I'm feeling down about the horrible events that happened 7 years ago, nothing cheers me up more than a steaming bowl of corn chowder.

[Picture via Consumerist]

This HAS To Be Some Sort Of Conspiracy [Theories]

2008-09-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

Is the McCain camp controlling traffic? Does John McCain own all of these things? I don't know, and I don't care to do any research on the matter. Wild speculation is always more entertaining anyway. Anyone have any theories?

Top Gear [What I'm Watching RIGHT NOW]

2008-09-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

Time for a new feature, I thought of it 45 seconds ago. Literally, at this moment, right now, I'm watching Top Gear. Here's proof:

There isn't a car on screen, but that's definitely this guy...

who works with these guys...

Who work on Top Gear, which is British funny, which everyone knows is better than regular funny. They also drive the shit out of awesome cars. It airs on the BBC America...some time. I'm not sure, my tivo takes care of it. If you dont have a tivo, please never come back here.

Who Is Kelly Voigt & Why Is She Ruining My Doritos? [Rants]

2008-09-11T16:44:00.000-07:00

This morning I was making my usual breakfast of a tall mug of coffee and half a bag of Doritos when I was rudely interrupted by Kelly Voigt. Yeah, I don't know who the fuck she is either, but she's on my bag of chips for some reason.

This isn't some god damned carton of milk people, it's Doritos. They're supposed to be classier than this.

See.

Ok, "Kelly Voigt", I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you did do something great. Maybe you took out a school of terrorist infants, single-handedly saving us from another 9/11 (too soon?). Maybe she saved a school of terrorist infants from utter destruction, which is novel in its own way, I guess. Hell, if that's the case, a small picture on a bag of chips is kind of a slap in the face.

The copy reads:

Some people dedicate their time to children in need; others reach out to help animals. Fifteen-year-old Kelly Voigt was attacked by a dog and had to get 100 stitches on her face and neck. One year later, she was still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Now, with the help of a trained golden retriever named Casey, Kelly teaches kids how to safely intetact with dogs and how to be responsible pet owners.

Wait, what? That's your contribution to society? Getting mauled by a dog and teaching kids proper pooper scooper etiquette? I think the real hero in this story is Casey the dog.

Much better. Cuter too.

Fuck You, HP [Slow News Day]

2008-09-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

Today is such a slow news day, this video is literally the most important thing online right now.

Not Pictured: Before the cat attacks,
the printer shoots out a big picture of a middle finger.

Cats are awesome.

Oh, if you didn't already know, the world hasn't blown up...yet. For real time updates of said apocalypse navigate over yonder.

Despite its infuriatingly long URL, it's well worth it.

The End Is Nigh, Or Not [Impending Apocalypse]

2008-09-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote about the Large Hadron Collider (boner joke omitted, too easy). Basically everyone with a smidgen of comprehension about this behemoth of a machine is expecting the world to get sucked into a giant black hole. Except this guy:

Though kind of melodramatic, these fears are somewhat substantiated, seeing as the whole point of the LHC is to create a fucking black hole.

In order to achieve this, 2 single atoms will be fired in opposite directions around a 17 mile loop to collide in one massive, possibly world ending...something. The point is, no one really knows what exactly is going to happen. Scientists are hoping this collision will generate the Higgs Boson particle, sometimes referred to as the "God" particle, presumably for it's resemblance to Jesus.

The Higgs Boson is so elusive it's never been seen, and possibly doesn't even exist.

Except in plush form. I'm sure the actual thing is less cute and more defecation-inducing.

So, let's say this thing actually works and brings the ~~sweet relief~~ horrible possibility of death to our proverbial doorstep. What would it feel like to be sucked through the blackest of holes? Thankfully, Slate has done all that research for me:

The pulling force would increase as you moved toward the center, creating what's called a "tidal force" on your body. That is to say, the gravity acting on your head would be much stronger than the gravity acting on your toes (assuming you were falling head-first). That would make your head accelerate faster than your toes; the difference would stretch your body until it snapped apart, first at its weakest point and then disintegrating rapidly from there as the tidal force became stronger than the chemical bonds holding your body together. You'd be reduced to a bunch of disconnected atoms. Those atoms would be stretched into a line and continue in a processional march. As Tyson described it, you would be "extruded through space like toothpaste being squeezed through a tube." No one knows for certain what happens to those atoms once they reach the center, or "singularity," of a black hole.

You. Tomorrow. Roughly at this time.

Of course none of this really matters though because the smartest man on four wheels has a $100 bet that the damned thing won't even work.

"I think it will be much more exciting if we don't find the Higgs. That will show something is wrong, and we need to think again. I have a bet of $100 that we won't find the Higgs."

Yes, that would be exciting. Tens of millions of dollars and 15 years of work to prove that Stephen Hawking is still fucking smarter than the rest of us.

I just like this picture.

My first concern is that Hawking hangs out with people stupid enough to bet against him, in science. Thats as if Tom Brady bet you $100 he could throw a ball through a tire and then just pelted you in the nuts with it.

So tomorrow, will either be the end of the world or Stephen Hawking will be $100 richer. Win win!

New Shiny Things [Me Wanty]

2008-09-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

I'm usually not one to follow, but--

Who am I kidding? I still drink Crystal Pepsi. It's delicious, and clear. Much like water, but more expensive and douchey. But I digress.

This morning, Apple held their annual iPod overhaul, this year dubbed "Let's Rock". Everyone is talking about it, so I'm not even attempting to break any news, other folks are much better at it than I. At this point, it's old news anyway.

I just want to congratulate Apple on continuing to release products which become obsolete by the time I can afford them.

Is This Gay?

2008-09-08T18:01:00.001-07:00

I just found this old IM convo from about a year ago. It made me LOL, perhaps you will also.

Mac : haha yeah i saw that
Philippe : yeah its great
Mac : im watching the announcment now [Macworld '08]
Mac : i need ilfe now
Philippe : did you watch the demo?
Philippe : my dad ordered it today
Mac : ilife
Mac : ok
Philippe : calm down
Mac : so this weekend
Mac : i will ave it?
Philippe : hopefully
Mac : lets install it on our computers together
Mac : it will be gay
Philippe : alright
Philippe : then lets whack each other off
Mac : and film it and edit it on the new imovie
Philippe : yeah
Philippe : then post it on our .mac gallery
Mac : hell yeah

Thesaurus? Where We're Going, We Don't Need A Thesaurus

2008-09-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, between trapping and neutering feral cats and donating plasma, I get bored. I'm only human. In such circumstances I turn to the one friend who will always be there: Dick Cheyney. We're old friends, long story.

"Hey, Phil-dawg, grab me a PBR wouldya?"

In times of boredom I turn to the following places:

LA Times Daily Crossword

USA Today Daily Crossword
Dictionary.com Daily Crossword
LemonParty (For when I'm feeling really crazy)

It turns out I'm pretty damn good at crossword puzzles. Though I've noticed I get disproportionately worse as the week goes on. This may be due to my equally disproportionate increase in ketamine intake as the week goes on, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the editors save their "A" game for Fridays.

In any case, I rule at crosswords and here's the proof:

Update:

I still rock.

Updated Update:

That makes 3 today, for those of you keeping score.

Further Proof Japan > America

2008-09-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

Japan has devised an ingenious way to store the hundreds of thousands of bikes that populate their largest cities. They've built this giant robotic bicycle parking garage, or as I like to call it, the coolest fucking thing ever built. It cost $67M and can house up to 9,400 bikes at a time.

All the technical details are in the video, but it's the stuff they don't mention which gets me thinking.

Japan has clearly mastered all other technology? How else would they have so much time to pump into a glorified bike rack? It's really only a matter of days until those 9,400 bikes transform into a giant harbinger of death and reign terror upon lesser nations.

Tombstone Pizza Vending Machine [Great Moments In Humanity]

2008-09-08T12:35:00.000-07:00

Not Pictured: Newborn baby vending machine on the left.

This brings up so many questions:

1. Where is this and why isn't there one next to me right now?
2. Do the pizza's come out in a box?
3. Are they cooked in the machine or refilled manually by a Mexican who hates his life?
4. What if you don't like pepperoni?

Michael Caine Shits The Bed

2008-09-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

Michael Caine, in a moment of senility rivaled only by the time Sir Ben Kingsley thought he was working on Goonies and showed up to the set of Gandhi doing his best "truffle shuffle", spilled the beans on the casting of the new Batman villains. From MTVs Splash Page:

“I was with [a Warner Bros.] executive and I said, ‘Are we going to make [a sequel to The Dark Knight]?’ They said yeah. I said, ‘How the hell are we going to top Heath? And he says ‘I’ll tell you how you top Heath — Johnny Depp as The Riddler and Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin.’ I said, ‘Shit, they’ve done it again!’” [Laughs]

If this is true, every nerd within ear shot of this statement just creamed their underoos. I hope to the comic book gods it's true, because that would be fucking awesome. I don't even want to think about this too hard or it won't happen. It would be like that time I wished for x-ray vision and just ended up getting arrested.

Would you like to know the day you'll die?

Ghostbusters 3, Sarah Palin, and The End of Times [Morning Roundup]

2008-09-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

Ghostbusters 3, Now Chewier

Today we were given further confirmation that a new Ghostbusters movie is in the works. So for all you people who laughed at me for saving on to my proton pack all of these years, suck it.

Pictured: My proton pack on a child of unknown origin.

From the mouth of Harold Ramis:

“yes, columbia is developing a script for GB3 with my year one writing partners, gene stupnitsky and lee eisenberg. judd apatow is co-producing year one and has made several other films for sony, so of course the studio is hoping to tap into some of the same acting talent."

Let's just hope that Apatow's involvement doesn't turn Slimer into a witty stoner. [via /Film]

Weird Foreigner Bails Out Apple

Apple has been facing some legal issues lately due to the true inventor of the MP3 player. A company called Burst is claiming original patents for the technology. Thankfully, they dug up this woman to help them out of this bind.

"His" name is Kane Kramer and in 1979 he created this device:

After convincing his colleagues that this wasn't actually the device and merely a rendering, he named it the IXI. Presumably to confuse a generation of coked out hippies even more.

The IXI could hold a whopping 3.5 minutes of music, which, though perfect for 1979, would barely hold that remix of "Umbrella" you like so much.

"For his pains, Kramer received a consulting fee from Apple and is now negotiating compensation for a copyright he owns on a patent drawing that looks like most any early MP3 player."

Come on, Apple. At least kick the dude an iPhone or something. [via Valleywag]

Sarah Palin Will Kill Your Bratz Doll

For some ungodly reason, a company called HeroBuilders is selling this sexy, sexy doll of our newest VPILF.

Available for $29.95, and a vile of baby tears. [via Gizmodo]

The World Ends Tomorrow, Plan Accordingly

Tomorrow morning, CERN will fire up the Large Hadron Collider (read: ring of death) for the first time and stream it live, here. Watch if you dare. Hide if you must.

Esquire Unveils ~~Amazing~~ Incredibly Lame E-Ink Cover

I'm as big of a fan of E-Ink as anyone, which is to say, no one. But seriously, Esquire, this is the best you could do? The blinking light was revolutionary when Paul Revere used it, not some homo magazine.

Ironic Apparel

2008-09-05T14:59:00.000-07:00

I got this shirt in the mail yesterday.
This shirt wins for the following reasons:
- It's ironic.
- It's true.
- It's slightly pretentious.
- For every shirt purchased a Nigerian child gets his wings.

Clearly, I was expecting tons of praise for my hilarious choice in clothing.

"OMG your shirt!! Let me touch it!"

So far, this is all I've gotten:

Cool face...Rosie

If I don't get some legitimate praise soon I'm gonna set this bitch on fire. I mean Michael, not my shirt or my office...that would be silly.

Work FTL [Labor Day Edition]

2008-08-29T15:18:00.000-07:00

Work sucks, but I don't have to tell you that, do I? Clearly you agree, because most likely you're reading this from your place of employment. What's that? You're reading this from the comfort of your heated bidet? You sir, are disgusting. Please don't come back to my blog.

My demographic.

Now that it's just us, let me proceed. Since Wednesday of this week I have been coming in to work after 12pm, today I came in at 1pm. Tonight I'll probably be here well into the night, possibly spilling in to tomorrow morning. SYMPATHIZE DAMMIT!!

This is roughly how my day breaks down:

15% doing actual work.
50% chatting and reading my various intellectual publications (read: blogs).
5% eating and/or drinking.
30% reading 'Watchmen.'

My younger sister, who at some point in her life surpassed me in awesomeness, is letting me borrow it.

This is no laughing matter you sick bastard.

Believe it or not, this is the first comic book/graphic novel I've ever read and I LOVE IT! It's really incredible how good the story and artwork are. I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that this was written over 20 years ago. The impetus for me reading this is Zack Snyder's upcoming film adaptation. Good readers, since nearly everything read on the internet should be taken as fact, hear this: Although I'm not even half way through, it's quickly becoming one of my favorite books. If you have any desire to see the movie, READ THIS BOOK.

PixelJunk Eden [Me Likey]

2008-08-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

LSD not included.

This is my newest obsession. It's available for download from the PSN (That's Playstation Network for all you "normal" people). PixelJunk Eden is the newest creation from Q-Games, it gives you control of something called a Grimp (Grand + Pimp?) which jumps and swings from various flora and fauna growing through the level. It's incredibly hard to explain, so just take a look for yourself.

That's me playing. The game comes with this great feature that allows you to record gameplay and upload it to youtube directly from the game. If you've got $10 to spare, pick this addictive game up.

Me Wanty [Footwear Edition]

2008-08-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

Not Pictured: The avalanche of poon tang that comes with these.

These bad boys are the newest creation from Nike. If there was every any proof of the existence of God, this is it. They're called Hyperdunk 2015's, any self-respecting movie nerd will immediately get the reference. As for the rest of you, too bad.

Geek's everywhere have been clamoring for something like this for nearly 20 years. Personally, I would make sweet, sweet love to these--hey, I wonder if that's how I got that case of athlete's foot...

A few of the geekier touches include:

The midsole has a pink and green hoverboard design, and if you lift it out, there's a flux capacitor logo underneath it on the heel. The tongue of the shoe has orange/red Back to the Future arrows, and three dates and times as they might appear on the Flux capacitor's controller: November 12 (the day the clock was struck by lightning), and two October days, partially obscured by a graphic.

I don't know where or how to get a pair of these, but some day, they will be mine.

[Via Gizmodo]

This Week in Rape Alley

2008-08-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

At the end of every week I'll be recapping what happened in Rape Alley. What is rape alley? If you don't know, you've clearly never been out drinking with me.

My office is situated on one side of an alley. What's that? A satellite image of the area would really help you visualize the whole thing?

BAM. What now, mother effers? Yes, that is actually my office. The building across the way is a movie theater. Now, it's not like we're in some remote area of the city. I'm about 100 yards away from Downtown Culver City. Which makes things like this even more mind boggling:

That's the view from outside my window. For some reason, people think that they're in total seclusion in said alley, so they have absolutely no qualms about doing drugs, drinking, vandalizing, and our newest addition: raping.

That pic was snapped earlier this week. The dude was forcefully groping and kissing the victim. I guess rape is a little bit of an exaggeration. It was more of a heavy molesting. But 'heavy molestation alley' doesn't sound quite as good. Also, for as much as she was resisting his advances she seemed oddly in to it. He's probably got money or something.

Yesterday, this happened:

Not Pictured: "To Catch a Predator" crew moving in for the kill.

What took place was possibly the lamest/most unprofessional photo shoot I've ever seen. The crew consisted of that weird dude, that's it. He was using a Kodak point and shoot and was never seen without a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. If I had to guess, which I do, because my urge to guess is nearly as strong as my urge to dance, I would say these pictures are going to be for personal use (read: masturbatory purposes).

Poor Man's Johnny Depp

2008-07-31T15:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Skeet Ulrich,

Get your own fucking look.

Love,
Johnny.

P.S.
I'm glad Jericho got canceled.

Your Favorite Cracked JesusPhone

2008-07-31T11:11:00.000-07:00

Not in the good way.

Not Pictured: Phone's owner attempting suicide.

The problem seems to be affecting only white (read: lame) iPhones. Some would say this is unacceptable. People are paying $200-$300 for a product that they expect to be flawless. Others, like myself, think this is the universe punishing people with poor taste.

[Picture via CrunchGear]

Your Favorite Beached Monster

2008-07-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

So this thing "washed ashore" in New York today:

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this thing isn't real. There are three distinct possibilities here:

1. The gates to hell have broken open and the apocalypse is near.
2. The government is doing something really fucked up to New York's rat populus.
3. This is the beginning of some wacky viral marketing campaign.

Seeing as there isn't any information on this thing, I'm going to go with door number 3. Cloverfield 2?

Your Favorite Face Planting, Airborne Female

2008-07-30T13:30:00.001-07:00

Does this remind anyone else of the movie Heavy Weights?

You can actually see the pain/fear in her eyes.

Your Favorite Mineral-Laden Cola

2008-07-30T12:48:00.000-07:00

Really?

Seriously, Coke, what. the. fuck? I know I'm a couple years late on this one, but it's just now started affecting my life. Let's put aside the fact that soda with "vitamins and minerals" is about as retarded as the collective intelligence aboard any given short bus. Chances are, if I want vitamins and/or minerals I'm not going to be looking for them in a bottle of coke. That's why I load myself up with 28 different supplements every morning. I've got enough estrogen in me to put on my own version of the vagina monologues.

But enough about my vagina. There is one can of this shit sitting in our fridge at work. Every time I reach for a can of regular (read: not-gay) Diet Coke, I grab the can of liquid bullshit that is Diet Coke Plus. Granted, it's probably my fault for putting it back every time instead of chucking it. But then again, who am I to play God? What if someone actually wants this thing? As soon as I see someone take it I'm going to punch them in their face.

Your Favorite Newest Internet Celebrity

2008-07-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

MissRFTC is a "woman" from Silver Lake. Before the earthquake this morning she had 80 followers on Twitter, now she has over 500. What happened between then and now? This:

I wish I could say this was the first time I had vagina envy.

What will she do with her new found internet fame? More importantly, why am I so pissed that all it took was one tweet about her hoo-hah to make this "chick" so damn important. If you couldn't tell from my cynical use of quotes, "her" gender is still in qustion. I'll be lauging so hard when all you bastards realize this is just some viral marketing campaign for the new Mummy movie.

"My vagina hurts."

Update:

Your Favorite Kneejerk Campaign Blitz

2008-07-29T13:42:00.000-07:00

Microsoft seems to be rather tired of the public likening them to this guy:

Apple has been so successful with their Mac vs. PC ads in recent years that it's caused Microsoft to play ball, though arguably years too late and the lamest way possible. They've just gone live with The "Mojave Experiment." It's like Punk'd, but without the ball of pure genius that is Ashton Kutcher.

Basically they shoved a bunch of John McCain types in a room and told them they were about to test out Microsoft's brand new OS, "Mojave." The only problem? Mojave is actually Vista. When people didn't know they were using Vista they seemed to enjoy it much more. We know this is true because ad campaigns are almost always based in reality. It turns out that Apple has done such a good job of bashing Vista that most people automatically assume Vista is shit, without ever having actually used it.

Though the campaign is kinda clever, the best way to showcase your OS may not be to have some woman refer to it as "this program."

Your Favorite Geological Event

2008-07-29T11:51:00.000-07:00

A 5.8 magnitude Earthquake just rolled through LA.

Not Pictured: Me pooping myself.

It was centered in Chino Hills, which thankfully houses nothing more than dirt and meth labs. All is well in the office, although it did cause a production meeting to be broken up for five minutes. It was like we were in class and the fire alarm went off. Everyone was a little worried but secretly happy.

Just a little insight into the sick group of people I work with: The ground was still wobbly and there was already cash out on the conference room table. Impromptu Earthquake pool!

Your Favorite British, Car Based TV Show

2008-07-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

Last night, as I lounged around the compound, sipping on Cognac and making sure all the velvet on my robe was brushed in the same direction, I was enjoying a little British program called Top Gear.

Saying Top Gear is about cars is like saying I've got great hygine, it's just not true. It's more about the three hosts and their interaction with each other. Without them, the show would be complete shit.

Left to Right: Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, James May
Not Pictured: Donatello and Raphael

Though he looks like a huge fruit, that little guy in the middle is more of a badass than any of you will ever be.

That's him driving, and subsequently crashing, something called the Vampire Dragster, a jet-powered car that's theoretically capable of reaching a top speed of 370 mph.

"He was travelling at 288.3mph (464 km/h) at the time of the crash, but when the jet car overturned and the roll cage dug into the ground he was still going at 232mph (373.4 km/h), with the top of his helmet dragging along the ground; it has been speculated that if he were any taller, he would have been decapitated."

Though he suffered "significant brain injury," the little fucker returned to work less than 5 months later. I took 2 weeks off from work due to a sprained O-Ring once. Hammond knocked on Death's door, kicked him in the balls, and went right back to work.

You can catch Top Gear on BBC America, who is currently airing Season 8.
Or you can watch Season 11, currently airing in the UK via BitTorrent. Legality: questionable.

Your Favorite Movie

2008-07-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

This is the single greatest story ever put on celluloid. It's my favorite (read: your favorite) movie for the following reasons.

1. Michael J. Fox (Pre Parks)

2. "You built a time machine? Out of a DeLorean?"

3. Amazing Score.

4. Hoverboards (Part 2)

5. It's quintessentially 80's, but still rocks to this day.

Your Favorite Pen

2008-07-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

Not Pictured: Included Jet Pack

This, my friends, is the greatest pen ever created by the hand of man. It's a pen worthy of keeping in your pocket. I have to keep it hidden in my desk, it's that desirable. Not an hour goes by where I don't have to fend off paparazzo, eager to get just a glimpse of me and my baby.

My theory was confirmed in 2007, with a little film called Breach. In said film, Chris Cooper's character highly praises a little pen called....that's right, I can stop here.

Actual line from the film: “Best pens in the world! I never write with anything else.”

Chris Cooper is one of the coolest guys ever. I heard he kicked the shit out of Chuck Norris in a bar fight once. Therefore, my pen could kick your pens' ass.